We assume saying sorry will help to mend fences, but do we over-estimate the power of apology?
我們以為說對不起能夠修補關(guān)系，但是我們高估了道歉的力量了嗎？
Barely a week goes by without one or other public figure apologizing for a disaster of monumental proportions. There's an endless parade of politicians, business leaders, celebrities and others appearing on TV and in print, to own up and say sorry for what they've done wrong.
大約一周過去了也沒有一位或者別的公眾人物出來為災(zāi)禍的大部分責(zé)任而道歉。后來數(shù)不清的政客，商界領(lǐng)導(dǎo)，名人和其他人出現(xiàn)在電視報刊上，承認自己的錯誤，對自己做錯的事情表示歉意。
We've come to expect this: just as night follows day, so public apology follows misdemeanor. Sometimes these apologies seem genuine and heartfelt, other times they're perfunctory and insincere.
現(xiàn)在我們就在想了：就像黑夜跟隨著白天一樣，公開的道歉總是在錯誤發(fā)生之后。有些時候那些道歉看上去像真心誠摯的，有些時候則感覺他們在例行公事，一點都不誠懇。
The penitent hope their red-faced admissions of guilt will bring absolution, but can saying sorry really be enough to restore their credibility?
懺悔者希望自己紅著臉坦白罪過能夠帶來寬恕，但是說一句對不起真的能重塑他們的公信力嗎？
High expectations
高期望
In private life we also have very high expectations of the power of saying sorry. Most of us were brought up in a culture of apology: children must say sorry when they do something wrong and grown-ups must apologize if they bump into each other in the street.
在私人生活當(dāng)中，我們同樣對于道歉有著高期望值。大部分人都在道歉文化中成長：孩子們必須說對不起當(dāng)他們做錯事情，大人們必須道歉如果他們在路上撞到別人。
Just how high these expectations are is demonstrated by Dutch psychologist David De Cremer and colleagues in a new study published in Psychological Science (De Cremer et al., 2010). They had a hunch that receiving an apology isn't as powerfully healing as we'd like to imagine.
在《心理科學(xué)》（德·克雷默，2010），荷蘭心理學(xué)家大衛(wèi)·德·克雷默和他的同事在一項新的研究中闡述了這些期望值有多高。他們預(yù)感到其實接受道歉并沒有我們想象當(dāng)中那么有效果。
In their study participants played a trust game. Each was given €10 and paired up with a partner, who was actually in on the experiment. Participants were told if they gave all the cash to their partner, it would be tripled, then their partner would decide how much of the €30 to share with them.
在他們的研究當(dāng)中，參與者參與到一個名叫“相信”的游戲當(dāng)中。每個人都拿出10歐元，然后跟一個搭檔配對起來，這些人其實就是被測驗的人。參與者被告訴說如果他們把所有的現(xiàn)金都給他們的搭檔，這些錢就會在翻三番，然后他們的搭檔會決定這30歐元里分多少給他們。
In fact the experimental insider only gave back €5, so the participants felt cheated. This setup meant the experimenters could test the effects of an apology. However, only half the participants received an actual apology while the rest just imagined receiving one.
事實上這些實驗內(nèi)部知情者只還給他們5元，參與者覺得自己被騙了。這個安排意味著實驗者可以測試道歉的作用。然而，只有半數(shù)的參與者收到了確切的道歉，剩余的都假想自己已經(jīng)收到了。
Participants then rated either the imagined apology or actual apology on a scale of 1 to 7 on the basis of how "reconciling" and "valuable" it was. Participants who merely imagined the apology thought it would be an average of 5.3. But those who actually received the apology only gave it a 3.5.
參與者對假想的道歉以及真實的道歉根據(jù)“將就”或“珍貴”的程度從1到7進行排序。那些僅僅是假想了道歉的參與者還打了一個平均分5.3分，但是對于那些確實收到道歉的參與者來說，平均分僅僅是3.5分。
This confirmed the experimenters' suspicions that people consistently over-estimated the value of an apology. When their cheating partner actually said sorry, it was never as good as they would have imagined.
這證實了實驗者關(guān)于人們一直都高估了道歉價值的假想。當(dāng)欺騙他們的搭檔真的道歉的時候，這歉意真的沒有像他們想象中的那樣好。
Sorry is just the start
道歉只是個開始
This finding mirrors our experience of public apologies. We believe a wrong must be righted and have high expectations of an apology, but they have a tendency to disappoint.
這個發(fā)現(xiàn)讓我們明白公開道歉卻效果不良的原因。我們相信錯的必須糾正過來，并且我們對于道歉有很高的期望，但是公眾卻總是傾向于失望。
It's certainly not true to say that apologies are useless. Apologies acknowledge the existence of social rules and the breaking of those rules. If sincere, apologies can help restore the dignity of the victim and the standing of the transgressor.
當(dāng)然說道歉一點作用都沒有也是錯的。道歉對于社會規(guī)則的存在以及這些規(guī)則的違背有著約束作用。如果真心誠意的道歉，道歉能夠幫助重塑違背者在受害者心中的尊嚴以及名望。
People are much better off to apologize and take responsibility for their actions than try and make excuses or deny they've made a mistake. Psychological research backs up the everyday intuition that excuses and denials just irritate others.
那些為自己行為道歉并且承擔(dān)責(zé)任的人比那些試著找借口或者否認他們犯過錯的人強多了。心理學(xué)上的研究證實了我們?nèi)粘５闹庇X，借口和否認只會激怒別人。
While apologies serve a useful function as a first step, we easily over-estimate the work they can do in repairing a relationship. That is why it is so irritating when public figures apologize, and then act like the matter is finished.
當(dāng)?shù)狼甘紫绕鸬阶饔玫臅r候，我們很容易高估了我們重新修復(fù)一段關(guān)系的能力。這就是為什么公眾人物道歉之后總是那么讓人不快，因為他們表現(xiàn)得跟事情已經(jīng)徹底解決了一樣。
It's worse when we can clearly see that someone has been forced into apologizing and that the apology itself is insincere. We often detect this kind of attempted deception and discount the apology.
更糟糕的是我們可以清楚的看見有些人是被強迫給予道歉，并且這個道歉一點都不真誠。我們通常能夠發(fā)現(xiàn)這種有意圖的欺騙并且將道歉的誠意大打折扣。
Insincere apologies
真誠的道歉
In a strange twist, though, people are less able to detect insincerity when apologies are directed at them.
一個很奇怪的轉(zhuǎn)變，盡管，當(dāng)面道歉，人們更加不容易發(fā)現(xiàn)不誠懇。
According to a series of studies conducted by Risen and Gilovich (2007), observers are harsher on an insincere apology than the person at whom it is directed. Perhaps this helps explain why people almost always accept an apology aimed directly at them, whether it's offered sincerely or not. We want to believe it's sincere, however much we might feel afterwards that it hasn't really worked.
根據(jù)Risen和Gilovich做的一系列研究表明，觀察者對于不誠懇的道歉比道歉所針對的人更加嚴格一點?？赡苓@就解釋了為什么道歉直接針對的對象一般都會接受道歉，不管這道歉是否來的真心誠意的。我們想要去相信這是真誠的，但是事后我們總是會覺得有那么一點無效。
It's similar to when someone is flattering us. Those watching can tell it's flattery, but we tend to think it's genuine because it makes us feel good about ourselves.
這就像有人奉承我們時候的感覺。那些眼神告訴我們這其實就是奉承，但是我們會傾向于去相信這是真的因為那會讓我們對自己感覺良好。
In contrast, Risen and Gilovich found that observers tend to spot an insincere apology more easily and are likely to reject it. This mirrors the situation when we are watching a public figure apologizing. The slightest whiff of insincerity and we quickly discount the whole thing.
相比之下，Risen和Gilovich發(fā)現(xiàn)觀察者傾向于更加容易發(fā)現(xiàn)不真誠的道歉，然后拒絕。這反映了我們觀看一個公眾人物道歉時的狀態(tài)。一點不真誠的氣息我們都將會否認整個事情。
Not only do insincere apologies fail to make amends, they can also cause damage by making us feel angry and distrustful towards those who are trying to trick us into forgiving them.
不真誠的道歉不僅不能改善關(guān)系，而且還會激怒我們導(dǎo)致事情惡化，并且將不再信任那些試著設(shè)圈讓我們原諒他們的人。
Even sincere apologies are just the start of the repair process. Although we expect the words "I'm sorry" to do the trick, they don't do nearly as much as we expect.
即使真誠的道歉也只是修復(fù)關(guān)系的開始。盡管我們期望“對不起”這三個字能夠起到作用，但是他們總是沒有我們所預(yù)期的那樣有效果。
