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問
發(fā)現(xiàn)孩子每次外出都要買東西，如果不滿足，孩子鬧情緒，我內(nèi)心確實(shí)不接受，有時(shí)候看到別的孩子對(duì)買東西沒有那么強(qiáng)的欲望，我就更不能接受。但有時(shí)候會(huì)心軟給孩子買，買了以后會(huì)擔(dān)心，是否會(huì)慣壞孩子。對(duì)于孩子的這些欲望，我該如何引導(dǎo)。
勞倫斯·科恩
美國(guó)臨床心理學(xué)家
兒童游戲治療師
首先，我不認(rèn)為其他孩子和你的孩子不一樣。在商店里，當(dāng)其他孩子要買東西，或者因?yàn)椴荒苜I東西而哭鬧時(shí)，可能你并沒有留意到，或者這無法引發(fā)你的情緒波動(dòng)。如果你問其他家長(zhǎng)，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，許多孩子每次出門都會(huì)要求買東西，不給他們買，他們就會(huì)很生氣。所以我向你保證，這是很常見的事情。你的困境也很常見：我到底是該讓孩子不開心呢，還是買了卻慣壞他？我是該說好，避免孩子傷心呢，還是應(yīng)該堅(jiān)決說不，以免驕縱他？我認(rèn)為這是一個(gè)大問題，如果我們給孩子買東西只是為了避免他哭，比如：“好了，好了，不要哭了，不要哭了。我什么都同意，我什么都給你買，只要你別哭了就行?！边@樣做會(huì)違背我們內(nèi)心認(rèn)可的價(jià)值觀，只是為了讓孩子沒有情緒。我認(rèn)為這就是問題的來源。在我看來，不時(shí)地給孩子買些禮物，并不會(huì)寵壞他們。但如果你是因?yàn)椴荒苋淌芩麄兇罂薅I東西，則會(huì)是一個(gè)問題。
當(dāng)然，因?yàn)楹⒆涌薅鴳土P他，是更糟糕的做法。但這兩種做法有一個(gè)共同點(diǎn)，就是我們感到“哦，我不能接受這種情緒?！彼晕視?huì)對(duì)你生氣、懲罰你，直到你停止哭泣，或者我會(huì)給你買你想要的任何東西，來讓你停止哭泣。但事實(shí)上，孩子因?yàn)榈貌坏较胍臇|西而大哭，是很正常的。這是一個(gè)哭泣的好理由。你說你真地不能接受這樣的行為。那么，我想問問你：“你到底不能接受什么呢？”是你不能接受孩子想買東西嗎？當(dāng)他在商店里看到一些非常有趣的、令人興奮的、或者很美味的東西而想買時(shí)，你不能接受他想要這些東西的想法嗎？如果是這樣，我建議你接受。這對(duì)于孩子、甚至成人來說都是很正常的。或者，你不能接受的是，當(dāng)你說不的時(shí)候孩子不高興？那我就要反駁你了，孩子想要東西而又被我們拒絕了，他當(dāng)然不開心。我們成人也是一樣啊，假如我們想要某種東西而不能擁有，我們當(dāng)然也會(huì)不高興。所以，我認(rèn)為想要東西、或者沒得到而不高興，都不是不可以接受的。這是生活的一部分。
接下來，我們來談?wù)劚磉_(dá)悲傷和憤怒的方式。也許這才是你認(rèn)為不可接受的部分。我認(rèn)為只有當(dāng)我們傾聽孩子，接納他們用自己方式表達(dá)，包括那些不怎么友善的方式時(shí)，我們才能幫助孩子們學(xué)習(xí)良好、恰當(dāng)、和健康的情緒表達(dá)方式。他們不會(huì)說：“對(duì)不起，媽媽，我真得很想要那個(gè)。如果你說不行，我會(huì)很難過的”。世界上沒有孩子會(huì)這么說話。相反，他們的做法是尖叫、大哭、在地板上撒潑。我再說一遍，我們真得可以接受這種行為，因?yàn)樗皇且环N情緒的原始表達(dá)方式。作為父母，我們的工作是傾聽、照顧好我們自己的情緒，這樣讓孩子能夠接受他自己的情緒。隨著時(shí)間的推移，他們會(huì)學(xué)會(huì)以更好的方式表達(dá)感情。
非常重要的一點(diǎn)是：無論我們同意還是拒絕，都必須建立聯(lián)結(jié)。即使我們同意，也不能這樣說：“好吧，拿去吧！你煩死我了，你總是那么討厭！快走吧！”這樣，即使他得到了想要的東西，你們也沒有建立任何聯(lián)結(jié)。因此，我們要這樣說：“哦，好吧！當(dāng)然了，你一直都是那么合作，是媽媽的好幫手，我很樂意買給你?！边@樣，你們就建立了聯(lián)結(jié)。即使說“不”，依然可以建立聯(lián)結(jié)。不要這么說：“不，你不能要。你要它干什么？別再要這要那了，你有毛病嗎？”這樣不能建立聯(lián)結(jié)。但是，如果我們說：“我明白你真得很想要。它看起來的確很棒，我能理解你為什么想要那個(gè)東西。我很抱歉，這次我不得不拒絕你。我知道你真的想要那個(gè)?！比缓?，我們要傾聽，傾聽他們?cè)诒痪芙^后的感受。這就是說“不”時(shí)也可以建立聯(lián)結(jié)的方式。
現(xiàn)在，我想添加一些游戲的成分。當(dāng)你每次走進(jìn)商店時(shí)，都說：“我想要這個(gè)，我想要那個(gè)?！蹦阒钢切┠阌肋h(yuǎn)都不會(huì)買的、可笑的東西說：“我想要那個(gè)，要兩個(gè)！”然后，你的孩子就會(huì)說：“不行，你不能買那個(gè)，那個(gè)不適合我們的房子。”他也有可能會(huì)說：“好吧，好吧，你什么都可以要。” 因?yàn)樗裁炊枷胍?，是在幻想中?shí)現(xiàn)自己的夢(mèng)想，哪怕就是幾分鐘。無論哪一種都是很好的方法，可以讓你們兩個(gè)人釋放出在買東西這件事情中產(chǎn)生的緊張情緒。
First of all, I have to disagree with you,that other children are not like your child. I think you don't notice thisbecause it doesn't grab you and it doesn't give you an emotional reaction whenother children in the store are demanding things or they are upset when theycan't buy something. If you ask other parents, you'll find out that many manymany children demand to buy something every time they go out and are very upsetwhen the answer is no. So I assure you it' very common. Your dilemma is very commonalso. Do I upset my child? Or do I spoil my child? Do I say yes because therewill be a big upset if I say no? Do I say no because I'm afraid to spoil mychild by saying yes? I think that it's a big problem if we give in to a childonly because we are desperate for them not to cry or be upset. For example:"Here, here, please don't cry, please don't cry. I'll do anything, I'llbuy you anything. Just please don't cry." We are going against our deepvalues of what we believe is right, just in order to have the child not have anemotion. This is what I think causes the problems. I think that buying a treatfor a child now and then does not create a spoiled child. But buying it becauseyou can't stand for them to cry is a problem.
Of course, it's not as bad as punishing achild for crying, but what these two reactions have in common is that we feel:"oh, I can't accept this emotion." So I will be angry with you andpunish you until you stop crying, or I will buy you anything you ask for sothat you will stop crying. But really, isn’t it OK for a child to cry becausethey want something and they can’t have it? This is a very good reason to cry.
You said you really can't accept such abehavior. So I'm going to challenge you and ask you, "what is it that you can'taccept?" Do you mean that you can't accept your child wants things whenyou go to a store and he sees something really fun, really exciting, reallydelicious? You can't accept that he wants it? I'll urge you to accept that as anormal part of being a child, and even being an adult. Or is it that you can'taccept that your child is unhappy when you say no? Well, I want to challengeyou on this too, because of course children are unhappy when they wantsomething and we say no. We are the same way if we want something and we can'thave it. We're unhappy about it. So I don't think that we can say that it isunacceptable that a person wants things, or is unhappy when they can’t havethose things. It is a part of life.
Now what about the expressing the sadnessand the anger? Maybe that's what unacceptable. Well, I think the way childrencan learn good, appropriate, healthy expressions of feelings is when we listento their own expressions, the way they express, even though they are not sonice all the time. They don't say, "Excuse me, mother, I really want that.I'm quite sad that you say no. " Of course, no child in the world eversays that. Instead, what they do is scream, cry, fall on the floor, and again Iwould say, we actually can accept that behavior because it's just a rawexpression of emotion. Our job as parents is just to listen, and be okay withour own emotions so that they can be OK with their own emotions, and over timethey will learn to express feelings in better ways.
Now it's really important that whether wesay yes or no, that we build connection. If we say yes, we're not saying"here, fine, take it. You wore me down and you are always so obnoxious, goahead " That's not going to build any connections even though they get whatthey want. So we have to say, "oh, yes, of course, you've been socooperative, you were a big helper and I'd love to get that for you." Soyou build connections. If we say no, we can still build connections. So wedon't say, "No, of course you can't have it. What do you want that for?Stop asking for things. What’s wrong with you?" That doesn't buildconnection. But if we say, "You really want it, I understand. It looks sowonderful. I can see why you want that. I'm so sorry that I have to say no thistime. You really want that. " And we listen, we listen to whatever theyfeel after we say no. That's the way no can build connections also.
Now I want to add a play component to thisalso. You can say "I want this, I want that" every time you walk intoa store. You point to ridiculous things you'll never buy and you say, "Iwant that, I want two of those." And your child will be the one who says,"no, you can't have that. It won't fit in our house." And maybe yourchild will say, "Yes, yes, you can have everything." because they'reliving out that wish for a few minutes’ fantasy, because they want everything.Either way is a really good way to release the tension for both of you aboutall this wanting.
本問題由簡(jiǎn)耕教育協(xié)助提供和整理。簡(jiǎn)耕教育，科恩博士中國(guó)唯一課程授權(quán)合作機(jī)構(gòu)。
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