我寫(xiě)有大量關(guān)于溝通的文章，這并不是因?yàn)槲疑糜诖说溃聦?shí)上我曾經(jīng)是一個(gè)怯懦的人（我的朋友會(huì)說(shuō)，你現(xiàn)在還是啊
一些看到我演講的人曾大吃一驚， 因?yàn)榻?jīng)過(guò)訓(xùn)練，我從天生內(nèi)向轉(zhuǎn)變到外向活潑。 我已經(jīng)掌握一定的技巧彌補(bǔ)自己笨拙的社交經(jīng)驗(yàn)，這也是為什么我愿意分享這些有效的技巧，同時(shí)我要不斷學(xué)習(xí)的內(nèi)容。
下面談?wù)勎业慕?jīng)驗(yàn)，這些經(jīng)驗(yàn)幫助我展開(kāi)對(duì)話，給人們戴高帽，同時(shí)提高我的自尊心，希望對(duì)大家有所幫助。
如何贊美才算到位？
溫暖而誠(chéng)實(shí)的贊美能讓人如沐春風(fēng)，處處逢源。 與其傻傻等待，不如主動(dòng)出擊。聽(tīng)我的沒(méi)錯(cuò)，你給予的贊美越多，你得到的贊美也越多。
1) 贊美要精確
相比于"你今天看起來(lái)不錯(cuò)"，"這款項(xiàng)鏈戴非常適合你" 更有效果。越精確越有效，因?yàn)樗谷藗冇X(jué)得你很重視他們 。
2) 贊美要有依據(jù)
別停留在"這款項(xiàng)鏈戴非常適合你"這樣的層面上。 講明為什么你這樣想，你的贊美會(huì)更有力。比如，"這款項(xiàng)鏈非常適合你，它跟你的眼睛很般配呢"。
3) 贊美后提個(gè)問(wèn)題
如果你想以贊美開(kāi)始一段談話，提個(gè)關(guān)于贊美東西的問(wèn)題吧： "這款項(xiàng)鏈非常適合你，它跟你的眼睛很般配呢。你在哪里買(mǎi)的？"。
為什么給予贊美會(huì)提高你的自尊心？
有了自信和自尊，你才會(huì)挖掘出人們的優(yōu)點(diǎn)，并且有底氣把這個(gè)告訴他們。
剛開(kāi)始給予贊美時(shí)，我很不習(xí)慣。我常常想，我會(huì)不會(huì)某種程度上冒犯了他們或者使他們懷疑我有求于他們。
后來(lái)我發(fā)現(xiàn)對(duì)人們?nèi)粘Ｉ顏?lái)說(shuō)，誠(chéng)實(shí)的贊美常常是受歡迎而且積極的。當(dāng)然有人反對(duì)，甚至和你爭(zhēng)論，但那通常不是你的問(wèn)題，那時(shí)他們的問(wèn)題。贊美是一份禮物，如果某人不要你的禮物，你就自己保留這份禮物唄。接受贊美也同接受禮物一樣，說(shuō)聲"謝謝" 。
當(dāng)然，在你挖掘別人優(yōu)點(diǎn)的同時(shí)，你挖掘到自己更多的優(yōu)點(diǎn)。長(zhǎng)此以往，自尊自然會(huì)培養(yǎng)起來(lái)。
More than a few people who’ve seen me speak have been surprised, but I’m an introvert by nature and an extrovert by training. I’ve had to pick up these skills to overcome my awkward social skills and that’s why I like to share what I’ve found to work, and what I want to learn more about.
Here’s something I’ve found to help me open up conversations, give people a lift, and raise my self-esteem at the same time.
There’s nothing like a warm, sincere compliment to make your day. Instead of waiting for one, why not give one out? Take it from me, the more you give, the more you find you’ll receive.
1) Make your compliment specific.
“That necklace looks really good on you” makes a bigger impact compared to “you look really good today”. The more specific the better, it makes the person feel like you notice them.
2) Back up your compliment.
Don’t just stop at “that necklace looks really good on you”. Your compliment becomes stronger when you say why you think so; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes”.
3) Ask a question with your compliment.
And if you want to use it as a conversational starter, ask a question about the subject of your compliment; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes. Where did you find it?”.
It takes confidence and self-esteem to notice good things about others and to make the first caring move to tell them about it
When I first started giving compliments I was awkward and shy about it. I kept wondering if I’d offend them in some way or make people suspicious about what I wanted from them.
I’ve since discovered that a sincere compliment is always a welcome boost to someone’s day. There will be those that reject it or will even argue with you, but that’s usually their problem and not yours. A compliment is like a gift, if someone doesn’t want your gift you’ll still end up owning it. The best way to accept one is also like a gift, just say ‘thank you’.
You’ll also find when you start noticing good things about people, you’ll notice more good things about you too! And the more you do, the more your own self-esteem will grow.
Kloudiia Says | February 14 2007, 6:22 pm
Alvin, you have such an excellent flair at writing because whenever I read it, I just feel good. Now, how did you learn that?
Does that make the grade? haha
Alvin Soon Says | February 14 2007, 10:12 pm
helena; a social nerd in my definition, is someone I was; a person who had no clue about becoming social.
Hey Kloudiia, that’s a fantastic compliment, thanks! You more than make the grade hee
Blog Mirrors ? How to give good compliments Says | February 16 2007, 12:03 am
[…] Make it specific, they say, but don’t stop there: Add an explanation for the compliment and back it up with a conversation-starting question. So, for example: “That necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes. Where did you find it?” To these suggestions I would add one on how to take a compliment: Say “thank you” and don’t feel obligated to come up with a return compliment, which always ends up sounding forced and awkward. (Speaking from personal experience, here.) What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Tell us about it in the comments! — Rick Broida How to Give A Good Compliment [Life Coaches Blog] […]
LeisureGuy Says | February 16 2007, 1:16 am
Very good advice. Also, some research done recently shows that it’s good to compliment people (especially children) on things they control (like the effort they made) and bad to compliment on things they don’t control (like how smart they are). More here.
Brad Says | February 16 2007, 1:36 am
This is a neat post, but theres another side to this story. The next post should be called “Girls: How to take a compliment without either making fun of the compliment giver or thinking the compliment give is hitting on you.”
The hardest thing in the world is for an “average guy” to tell another girl she looks nice; for whatever reason. Thats a subset of complimenting in general, but suffers from the same problems. So many girls either turn the example compliment around and, for whatever reason, poke fun that a “straight guy” would make such a compliment. The other half of girls seem to think she’s being hit on, and say a very weary, very uncomfortable “Thaa…anks….” and feel like she’s had her personal space violated.
The truth is, these days most girls (I guess I’m talking about the 18-30 or so range) it’s just downright creepy to be complimented in that fashion unless they’re being hit on or there is some other special circumstance. Anybody else feel this way a little?
Melastmohican’s Blog ? Blog Archive ? How To Give A Good Compliment Says | February 16 2007, 2:13 am
[…] Found on How Life Coaches “There’s nothing like a warm, sincere compliment to make your day. Instead of waiting for one, why not give one out? Take it from me, the more you give, the more you find you’ll receive.” Bookmark to: […]
John Says | February 16 2007, 4:01 am
Not only do I fully agree with what Brad says, but I’d like to add one more caveat to this: Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, compliment people at work, *ESPECIALLY* if you’re a guy trying to compliment a girl. It’ll be seen as sexual harassment, no matter how innocent the compliment, and it’ll get your ass canned in no time flat. Indeed, it doesn’t even have to be the person receiving the compliment to file the complaint, it can be someone who simply overheard what you said as he/she walked by.
Employers are complete and utter cowards when it comes to threats of sexual harassment lawsuits; they’d rather give you the pink slip immediately, regardless of what actually happened, than to try and fight something like that in court. And to try fighting it? Well, it’ll be your word against hers, and using the argument of ‘it was totally innocent’ versus her crying, hours spent with councilors to try and overcome this “abuse”, and her “mental anguish” of being subjected to such, well, you’re simply going to loose. Better safe than sorry; save this compliment stuff for the bar or where ever you’re social, but don’t use it at work.
Matt Maupin Says | February 16 2007, 5:50 am
I would also add that you can really take away from the value of complimenting by doing it too much. Your sincerity grows thin quickly if you are handing out compliments just for the sake of doing it.
The same goes with Thank You letters.
Jen Says | February 16 2007, 6:16 am
I agree about the workplace–it’s tricky to give compliments without potentially being creepy.
But in general, men, don’t compliment women’s fashion at work unless you are their close friend and/or follow fashion yourself. I really don’t care what the guy in jeans and a faded polo shirt thinks about my footwear, for example. But when the guy who wears designer jackets gives complements, I appreciate them.
And don’t give compliments when what you are really giving is a comment. “Wow, I’m impressed that a guy can pull off a pink shirt.” No one needs to hear that.
TeacherHacks ? How to give a compliment Says | February 16 2007, 8:53 am
[…] How to Give a Good Compliment […]
Kloudiia Says | February 16 2007, 12:05 pm
Hey Brad and John
I’m a woman here, so I kinda have something to add on to what you guys had said!
I think people who will behave that way usually fall in 2 extremes. Either they are very attractive, or they’re not.
Why so? They are naturally more skeptical towards anything good coming, because for the former, they’ll think you are not being sincere in complimenting and you just want to hit on her and get her no. The latter because, well, obviously they don’t think they deserve that compliment (as they don’t see themselves in that light too) and so will want to turn that around in a bid to save their own skin!
Generally I think that in order for someone to accept compliments, the person giving it has really got to tbe sincere. That’s when Pt 2 comes in handy, cos if you cant’ find a damn good one to back it up, it sounds frivolous. And when it comes across that way, no doubt the person at the receiving end will want to turn the table around.
That’s why, if the compliment doesn’t come from the heart, and it is given for the sake of having to give one, that usually doesn’t work. Not only that, it’ll backfire!
Then, there are just some people on Earth who just simply don’t know how to react when they are praised! These people need someone to knock this little sentence into their head and get it ingrained:
Accept it with grace. Then, say thank you.
They can reciprocate if they like, but be careful of falling into the trap where you only give when you need to, not when you like to!
Cheers guys! Gosh, this is a loonngg one….
bastl.at/blog ? Yeah this week is done! Says | February 16 2007, 4:23 pm
[…] How to give good compliments. Read it on Live Coaches Blog. […]
/personal ? Blog Archive ? Compliments Says | February 16 2007, 6:29 pm
[…] You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your ownsite. […]
Alvin Soon Says | February 16 2007, 11:24 pm
Wow, so this is what happens when your post gets picked up by Lifehacker
LeisureGuy, that’s a brilliant article, should be required reading for anyone! It’s so obvious it makes sense, but so obvious at the same time you don’t see it.
Brad, there’s really no way to tell how someone else will react to your compliment. If you mean it, why not say it? How they’ll react and how you’ll respond is really up to you.
John, I’m not familiar with the work culture where you come from; but I imagine something as simple as saying ‘nice shoes’ compares to ‘nice breasts’. Why all this fear with giving a simple compliment?
Matt, I agree - don’t be stingy with your compliments but don’t wear them thin either.
Hey Jen, I suppose a classy compliment wouldn’t be creepy then. Granted, it can be a real art…but a simple one too. Gee, that’s tough isn’t it, when you place a price on the compliments you’re willing to receive? I’m not a professional painter but I know beauty when I see it; so why not just take the compliment at face-value?
Hi Kloudiia, thanks for chipping in…three times! Those are good points you make, for women and men both to listen. I wonder what you feel about what Jen said?
Seekersdigest.org ? Blog Archive ? How To Give A Good Compliment - Life Coaches Says | February 17 2007, 1:12 am
[…] How To Give A Good Compliment - Life Coaches […]
Bits and Pieces - February 16 ? Ian’s Messy Desk Says | February 17 2007, 1:17 am
[…] How To Give A Good Compliment – There’s nothing like a warm, sincere compliment to make your day. Instead of waiting for one, why not give one out? […]
::::renaissance chambara:::: ? Blog Archive ? Links for 2007-02-15 [My Web 2.0] Says | February 17 2007, 8:37 am
[…] How To Give A Good Compliment - Life Coaches […]
Interesting links for today; topics: wikipedia, compliments, Google, ISBN : Businesshackers… Says | February 17 2007, 7:13 pm
[…] 2. How To Give A Good Compliment - Life Coaches –> link […]
Backend Media ? D?ligt ledarskap skapar oh?lsa Says | February 17 2007, 11:42 pm
[…] Jag tycker speciellt att information via personliga m?ten och ett ledarskap som utg?r fr?n att alla g?r ett bra jobb ?r extremt viktigt. Att vara cynisk och tro att alla ?r slavdrivare skapar faktiskt just en s?dan st?mning. Det ?r otroligt hur pass stor p?verkan dessa sm? faktorer har p? livet. (L?s f?r ?vrigt hur du ger en bra komplimang, dock p? engelska). […]
Today is that Day ? Blog Archive ? Self Improvement and Law of Attraction Link Love, Volume 2 Says | February 18 2007, 12:27 am
[…] 6) Life Coaches Blog - How to Give a Good Compliment […]
Matthew Cornell Says | February 18 2007, 7:45 am
Fantastic post, Alvin. I really like cultivating an attitude of appreciation like this. One little book I enjoyed around this topic is “How full is your bucket” - even comes with little “drops” for others’ buckets. Gave some to the librarian, bus driver, and letter carrier. Can be printed free!
Good stuff…
biblog ? Blog Archive ? Come fare un complimento Says | February 20 2007, 5:56 am
[…] Pascolando sul web mi sono imbattuto in questa guida. A parte il tema trattato, trovo molto bello che l’autore ritenga i complimenti dei veri e propri doni, ovviamente bisogna saperli fare. Basta poco. Sono sicuro che un complimento sincero faccia bene all’umore di chi lo fa e di chi lo riceve, ci possono essere delle eccezioni ma come dice l’autore: “There will be those that reject it or will even argue with you, but that’s usually their problem and not yours” …e io condivido pienamente!!! Ciaocioa […]
? Brain Fitness Blog Carnival #2 ? Brain Fitness Revolution at SharpBrains Says | February 20 2007, 8:00 am
[…] Alvin Soon explains How To Give A Good Compliment and how he has trained himself to "open up conversations, give people a lift, and raise my self-esteem at the same time". […]
Mark McManus Says | February 22 2007, 3:52 pm
I really like this. This is a skill I have used for years, but only sincerely as I believe it will backfire otherwise. Very similar to the work of Dale Carnegie of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Good stuff Alvin
Personal Development with The Positivity Blog Says | February 22 2007, 8:01 pm
Link Karma – 19 February 2007…
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Link Karma is a new section of The Positivity Blog where I list some good reading I′ve stumbled upon during the last few days (or weeks, depending on how much browsing and reading I do).
The art…
Alvin Soon Says | February 22 2007, 10:28 pm
Thanks guys, for all the links and the good words. I don’t have the time to thank each of you, but I’m very happy you found my post of value to you
The Long Process · Why It Pays to Praise Says | February 27 2007, 2:53 am
[…] And for those of you who aren’t great at focusing on the positive (I’m right there with ya), here’s a few tips via lifehacker: How to Give A Good Compliment or Kent Blumberg’s post on giving feedback. Translate //’); //]]> […]
luke Says | March 18 2007, 5:49 pm
you are great! you will be my idol!
cynthia Says | May 12 2007, 4:01 pm
“Ilike to give compliment”
cynthia Says | May 12 2007, 4:07 pm
but the compliment must be honest…
TeacherHacks.com ? Blog Archive ? How to Give a Good Compliment Says | May 27 2007, 2:13 am
[…] How to Give a Good Compliment […]
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Says | September 6 2007, 1:52 am
Alvin, thanks for training to be an extrovert. This is a great article. I don’t think a sincere compliment is one that will make someone feel creepy. When a compliment is sincere, you feel the sincerity behind it. It is fake compliments that can be felt as creepy. If you look, you can always find something to compliment someone on. You never know when someone was feeling really low and something that you said inspired them to feel better, do better or be better. Have a glorious day.
reece Says | September 25 2007, 4:44 am
here are some funny ones…
hey, you must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got ‘fine’ writen all over you.
if we were in the alphabet, i’d put U and I together
The Public Speaking Blog ? Blog Archive ? How To Give A Good Compliment Says | October 15 2007, 8:12 pm
[…] friend of mine, Alvin Soon, wrote a post some time back on how to give a good compliment. Though this article was written in the context of building self esteem and creating a friendlier […]
Jesse Says | October 23 2007, 10:23 pm
Do you think its possible that the person who gives many compliments could also have a lower self-esteem? I’m imagining a man just praising a lady and giving up anything for her.
I compliment others often, because I feel that society is quick to notice others’ mistakes and bad attributes rather than the positive. People do not compliment others enough either and many do not realize that genuine compliments is a more effective reinforcer for influencing behavior.
But I’m not sure if the more you recognize good things about others, the more you recognize good things about yourself. I find that the more I compliment others, other time, I slowly have a higher negative perception of myself in relation to others.
Alvin Soon Says | October 27 2007, 9:44 pm
Hi Jesse,
I think what you described in the first paragraph is known as ‘a(chǎn)ss-kissing’ instead of giving a sincere compliment
How does giving more compliments lower your self-esteem? What’s the limiting belief that’s causing you to say that?
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helena Says | February 13 2007, 11:26 pm
hmm, what is a social nerd, can someone explain?