談吃論喝
他帶著恩賜的神情低頭看著那些蒼白而饑餓的面孔，對自己說：“與我相比，你們是多么快樂??！”體態(tài)臃腫的老紳士高聲談?wù)撠毟F之于富有的優(yōu)越性，這太令他感到安慰了。頭痛會使人馬上忘記心痛。手指的疼痛會驅(qū)走對一張空椅子的回憶。當一個人真正覺得饑餓時，他感覺不到其他事物。
On Eating and Drinking
Who looks down patronizingly at some poor devil with a white starved face and thinks to himself, “Ah,how happy you are compared with me!” － so soothing to the fat gentleman who crackle about the superority of poverty over riches. But it is all nonse － all cant. An aching head soon makes one forget an aching heart. A broken finger will drive away all recollection of an empty chair. And when a man feels really hungry, he does not feel anything else.
愛情常在，生命不老
不論是高的女人還是矮的女人，黑皮膚的還是白皮膚的，開朗的還是憂郁的，我都喜歡。別責備我，女士們，錯在你們。每一位頭腦正常的男子都是博愛者，他怎么可能不是呢？環(huán)肥燕瘦，每一個都是如此迷人。男人的心很大。親愛的讀者，你不會知道男人的心有多大：那是他的煩惱，有時也是你們的煩惱。
On The Preparation And Employment Of Love Philters
I like tall woman and short,dark woman and fair,merry woman and grave. Do not blame me, Ladies,the fault lies with you. Every right-thinking man is a universal lover; how could it be otherwise? You are so diverse, yet each charming of your kind; and a man’s heart is large. You have no adea, fair reader, how large aman’s heart is: that is his trouble, — sometimes yours.
阿貓阿狗
要找同伴的話，它們可比人類強多了。它們不會和你爭吵。當你在談?wù)撟约旱臅r候，它們只是聆聽，從不談起它們自己，并顯出對談話很感興趣的樣子。它們從不發(fā)布愚蠢的見解。它們從不說不客氣的話，它們從不挑我們的毛病，還打著“為了我們好”的旗號。它們從不會在不恰當?shù)臅r候溫和地提起我們過去所犯的蠢事和錯誤。
On Cats And Dogs
They are much superior to human beings as companions. They do not quarrel or argue with you. They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. They never make stupid remarks. They never say unkind things. They never tell us of our faults, “merely for our own good”. They do not at inconvenient moments mildly remind us of our past folles and mistakes.
閑散的真諦
世界上有許多懶人，也有無數(shù)慢吞吞的人，但是真正的閑散之人卻是稀有珍品。他不是那種整天游手好閑的人。正相反，他最驚人的特點就是他總是忙得不可開交。除非有一大堆工作要做，否則是不能徹底享受閑散的。在無所事事中沒有樂趣可言。浪費時間只是一種職業(yè)，而且事最讓人精疲力竭的職業(yè)。閑散，如同接吻，必須是偷來的才夠甜蜜。
On Being Idle
There are plenty of lazy people and plenty of slow-coaches, but a genuine idler is a rarity. He is not a man who slouches about with his hands in his pockets. On the contrary, his most startling characteristic is that he is always intensely busy. It’s impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.
呵護以及駕馭女人
別給她時間對你挑三揀四，一直讓她習慣你為止。沒有人可以忍受赤裸裸地暴露在一個年輕姑娘的眼皮下。蜜月就是婚姻的顯微鏡。搖晃它，用各種物體將它攪亂，用其他有趣的東西遮蓋它。可別呆呆地坐在那兒接受檢驗。另外，你得記住男人越是忙亂就越能達到最佳狀態(tài)，女人則正好相反。我的孩子，你要讓她忙個不停，讓她眼花繚亂。
On The Care And Management Of Woman
Don’t give her time to criticize you until she has got used to you. No man will bear unprotected exposure to a young girl’s eyes. The honeymoon is a matrimonial microscope. Wobble it. Confuse it with many objects. Cloud it with other intersts. Don’t sit still be examined. Besides, remember that a man always appears at his best when active, and a woman at her worst. Bustle her, my dear boy, bustle her.
羞怯趣談
實際上，害羞之人每次都逃不過被人誤解的命運；無論他努力要給別人留下什么樣的印象，總是適得其反。他講笑話事總顯得牽強附會，他想表現(xiàn)的真實可信卻遭到諸多責難。人們從字面上來理解來他的諷刺嘲諷，認為那是他真正的觀點，送給他傻瓜的名號。可反過來，如果他想趨炎附勢，冒險說些阿諛奉承之詞，別人又會以為他冷嘲熱諷，從而記恨他一輩子。
On Being Shy
But, indeed, to be misunderstood is the shy man’s fate on every occasion; and whatever impression he endeavors to creat, he is sure to convey its opposite. When he makes a joke, it is looked upon as a pretended relation of fact and his want of veracity much condemned. His sarcasm is accepted as his literal opinion and gains for him the reputation of being an ass, while if, on the other hand, wishing to ingratiate himselg, he ventures upon a little bit of flattery, it is taken for satire and he is hated ever afterward.
帶家具的寓所
要是這些木頭木腦的老家伙可以選擇開口說話，它們會講出多少奇妙的故事啊！它們參與了多少出人意外的人生悲喜劇呢！那舊沙發(fā)墊上曾浸潤了多少苦澀的眼淚！那把長椅偷聽過多少激情的悄悄話！與舊家具相比，新家具對我來說毫無魅力。我們喜愛的都是舊東西——舊的面孔、舊的書本、舊的笑話。新家具營造出來的是一所宮殿，而舊家具才造就一個家。
On Furnished Apartment
What strange tales the wooden-headed old fellows could tell did they but choose to speak! At what unsuspected comedies and trangedies have they not missed! What bitter tears have been sobbed into that old sofa cushion! What passionate whisperings the setee must have overheard. New furnitures has no charms for me compared with old. It is the old things that we love － the old faces, the old books, the old jokes. New furniture can make a palace, but it takes old furniture to make a home.
嬰兒妙談
世界啊——這小小的圓圓的的世界??！在嬰兒的眼里它肯定到處是浩瀚神秘之地！后花園是一片人跡罕至的陸地！他們在樓下的地窖拉力進行多么不可思議的探險！他們帶著一直怎樣的敬畏去凝視那長長的街道??！他們肯定想知道何處是盡頭，如同我們大人抬頭仰望天空一樣。可憐的小腳才踏上冷酷的旅程！我們旅途中的倦客，只能在路的那頭遠遠的朝你揮揮手。
On Babies
The world － the small round world! What a vast mysterious place it must seem to baby eyes! What a trackless contient the back garden apears! What marvelous explorations they make in the cellar under the stairs! With what awe they gaze down the long street wondering, like us bigger babies when we gaze up at the stars, where it all ends! Poor little feet, just commencing the stony journey! We old travelers, far down the road, can only pause to wave a hand to you.
墜入愛河
你肯定戀愛過！如果還沒有，你會戀愛的。戀愛如同麻疹：我們都要經(jīng)歷一次。它也像麻疹一樣，得過一次便終身免疫，永遠不會擔心會再次染上。人的心是煙花，只能向著天空燃放一次。宛若流星一般，片刻燃燒，余光墜下。然后我們骯臟而卑微生活的黑夜籠罩住它，燃盡的煙火歸于塵土，毫無用處，無人在意，慢慢地化為灰燼。
On Being In Love
You’ve been in love, of course! If not you’ve got it to come. Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. Also like the measles, we take it only once. One never need be afraid of catching it a second time. A man’s heart is a firework that once in its time flashes heavenward. Meteor-like, it blazes for a moment and lights with its glory the whole world beneath. Then the night of our sordidi commonplace life closes in around it, and the burned-out case, falling back to earth, lies useless and uncared for, slowly smoldering into ashes.
萬物皆虛榮
虛榮心是推動人心的真正動力，而奉承是輪子的潤滑劑。要想在這個世界贏得好感會尊重，你必須溜須拍馬。向所有的人獻媚，無論貴賤，不分貧富，管他是愚蠢還是聰明，你將變得八面玲瓏。贊揚這個人的美德，也歌頌那個人的惡行，人無彼此，事無大小，你都要一一恭維，特別是那些他們不具備的品德。這樣的話，你的眼力和智慧就會被捧上天。
On Vanity And Vanities
Vanity is truly the motive-power that moves humanity, and it is flattery that greases the wheels. If you want to win affection and respect in this world, you must flatter people. Flatter high and low, and rich and poor, and silly and wise. You will get on famously. Praise this man’s virtures and that man’s vices. Compliment everybody on everything, and especially upon what they haven’t got. Your discernment and intelligence will be extolled to the skies.
趣論三思而行
我聽說有個年輕人擇妻時真是千挑萬選。他非常明智地告訴自己：“男人挑選妻子一定要謹慎小心?！彼嬲]自己說，女人應(yīng)該是生活中的好幫手。她具有一個女人所具有的一切美德，完美無瑕，總之一句話，她十全十美，他娶了她，發(fā)現(xiàn)她與自己期望的一樣。他只有一點不滿意——他并不喜歡她。當然，錯不在她。
On The Time Wasted In Looking Before One Leaps
I have been told of a young man, who chose his wife with excellent care. Said he to himself, very wisely, “In the selection of a wife a man cannot be too circumspect.” He convinced himself that the girl was everything a helpmate should be. She had every virtue that could be expected in a woman. Speaking practically, she was perfection. He married her, and found she was all he had thought her. Only one thing could he urge against her － that he did not like her. And that, of course, was not her fault.
排除萬難，下定決心
我是什么？我是一個偉大的紳士，帶著一顆勇往直前的心，昂首挺胸地行走于人世間，嘲諷一切鄙俗之事，唾棄一切卑鄙小人?？晌抑皇且粋€自私小氣又膽小怕事的俗人（正是那個昂首挺胸勇往直前的“我”所鄙視的那類人），繞到而行，朝著卑微的目標爬行，遇到強敵就退縮，碰到困難則膽怯。
On The Art Of Making Up One’s Mind
What am I? I am a great gentleman, walking through the world with dauntless heart and head erect, scornful of all meanness,impatient of all littleness. I am a mean-thinking, little daring man － the type of man that I of the dauntless heart and erect head despise greatly － crawling to a poor end by devious way, cringing to the strong timid of all pain.
