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As much as we desire being connected to others — good friendships, a wonderful romantic relationship, close family members — this connection always comes at a cost.

我們都渴望與別人保持聯(lián)系，與朋友享受誠(chéng)摯的友誼，與愛(ài)人享受美好的戀情，與家人享受天倫之樂(lè)。但是，擁有這樣的人際關(guān)系，卻往往要付出一定的代價(jià)。

We get frustrated by other people.

代價(jià)就是：我們會(huì)因他人而壞了情緒。

You know it’s true. You might be really good friends with someone, but then they get angry at you for some reason, or they behave without consideration, and all of a sudden, your mood is much darker. You’re not happy with them, maybe they’re not happy with you. Things can go sour very quickly.

也許你也曾遇過(guò)這樣的事：本來(lái)挺好的朋友，結(jié)果不知為什么跟你發(fā)脾氣，或者做事情沒(méi)有顧慮到你的感受，頓時(shí)你整個(gè)人的心情都不好了。你不爽他們，沒(méi)準(zhǔn)他們看你也不順眼。你們的關(guān)系很有可能迅速惡化下去。

This is such a difficult problem that you could devote entire books to ways of working out these kinds of conflicts and frustrations. But I have one technique that, if applied consistently, will lead to a lot more happiness.

面對(duì)這個(gè)難題，用整本書(shū)探討如何解決這些矛盾和沖突都不夸張。但是我有一個(gè)訣竅，如果熟練應(yīng)用，保證會(huì)化干戈為玉帛。

 01  The good-hearted view of other people

以 “心懷善意” 的觀點(diǎn)看人

That takes some explaining, so let’s take a look at two ways of looking at other people:

什么意思呢？先讓我們看看兩種看待他人的方式吧：

① The ill-intentioned view. When someone does something rude, you think, “Why do they have to be so inconsiderate?” or “Who does that?” Basically, you see their actions in the worst possible light, without putting yourself in their shoes. Most of us do this regularly without realizing it. Anytime you’re mad or frustrated with someone, this is what you’re doing.

① “心懷惡意” 的觀點(diǎn)。當(dāng)別人舉止粗魯時(shí)，你就會(huì)覺(jué)得：“他怎么這么自私？”，或者 “怎么會(huì)有這種人？” 說(shuō)白了，你沒(méi)有換位思考，就擅自丑化了對(duì)方的言行。其實(shí)，我們大多數(shù)人生別人的氣時(shí)經(jīng)常就會(huì)這樣，只是自己沒(méi)有意識(shí)到而已。

② The good-hearted view. When someone does something inconsiderate — and I’m not saying their actions are justified — you can try to think of those actions in a good-hearted way.

② “心懷善意” 的觀點(diǎn)。當(dāng)別人做了欠考慮的事時(shí)，你可以盡量用善意去解讀。（免責(zé)聲明：我并不是在把他們的行為合理化?。?/span>

For example, maybe they’re having a bad day and are grump — that doesn’t excuse their actions, but you can understand the feeling of being grumpy. Or maybe they were hurt by something you did (which you might not realize) and they are lashing out because of that hurt. That’s not a nice way to react, of course, but we can all relate to feeling hurt and lashing out.

比方說(shuō)：“他可能今天過(guò)得不順，所以心情不佳?！?這不是在為他們找借口，而是至少能讓你理解情緒煩躁時(shí)的感受?；蛘?，可能是你做的什么事傷害到了他們（但你自己沒(méi)意識(shí)到），結(jié)果人家小宇宙就爆發(fā)了。這種應(yīng)對(duì)方式固然不好，但我們都明白，我們一受到傷害，情緒就有可能失控。“心懷善意” 觀點(diǎn)的核心理念是 —— 對(duì)方是你所關(guān)心的人，而他現(xiàn)在受到了打擊。

So the good-hearted view is that this is someone you care about who is hurting. Forget the personal offense, think about their pain, and be compassionate towards that pain.

所以，你要忘掉那些冒犯到你的話，試著想象對(duì)方心中的苦痛，并對(duì)這份苦痛抱以同理心，即站在對(duì)方的立場(chǎng)，設(shè)身處地理解與體會(huì)對(duì)方的感受。

Let’s take a brief look at the ill-intentioned way of seeing things, then go into what I believe will transform most people’s interpersonal happiness — the good-hearted view.

讓我們簡(jiǎn)單談?wù)?“心懷惡意” 的視角，再來(lái)介紹 “心懷善意” 的視角。我相信，只有 “心懷善意” 的觀點(diǎn)，才能給大多數(shù)人帶來(lái)人際幸福感。

 02  Problem with the Ill-Intentioned View

“心懷惡意” 會(huì)招致什么后果？

It’s easy to see the rudeness, inconsideration and plain wrongness of other people. That’s because we’re looking at it from our own point of view, and thinking they should see things the same way as you do.

對(duì)我們來(lái)說(shuō)，別人的粗魯、自私與錯(cuò)誤是顯而易見(jiàn)的，因?yàn)槲覀冋驹谧约旱慕嵌瓤创齽e人，認(rèn)為別人的觀點(diǎn)就應(yīng)該和自己的觀點(diǎn)一樣。

For example / 例如：

• They left dirty dishes or a big mess in the kitchen. Why didn’t they just clean up instead of being inconsiderate? You feel they’re not acting as they should.

  他們不洗碗，把廚房弄得一團(tuán)亂。為什么這么自私不隨手收拾？你覺(jué)得他們不應(yīng)該這樣。

• They said something kind of mean to you. You have no idea why they would be mean, you’re a good person who doesn’t deserve that.

  他們對(duì)你說(shuō)了刻薄的話。你懵了，他們?cè)趺催@么刻薄呢？你自己挺好的，不應(yīng)該碰上這種事！

• They are mad at you for some reason. You don’t deserve that! What’s their problem?

  他們出于某些原因?qū)δ阌幸庖?jiàn)。你不該被如此對(duì)待！他們是什么毛?。?/span>

Of course, there are much worse things, but these are some typical interpersonal problems, and common reactions.

當(dāng)然，有些狀況比這還要糟，但是，人與人之間的交往過(guò)程中經(jīng)常會(huì)發(fā)生上述問(wèn)題，而且相應(yīng)的反應(yīng)也很常見(jiàn)。

These are natural reactions, but looking at things this way causes you to feel bad about the other person. You are frustrated, angry, offended or hurt. You build up resentment.

面對(duì)這類情況，這樣的反應(yīng)再自然不過(guò)了，但這種看問(wèn)題的方式會(huì)導(dǎo)致你惡意揣測(cè)他人。你會(huì)感到沮喪，氣憤，受到侮辱，受傷，結(jié)果漸漸形成積怨。

You might also react badly to the other person — say something hurtful or angry, lash out, ignore them, whatever your habitual way of responding to these things might be. This obviously will make them react badly to you, and now your relationship is hurt. You’re not happy, and neither are they. This isn’t a good situation.

你也很有可能會(huì)消極地回應(yīng)對(duì)方 —— 無(wú)論是說(shuō)負(fù)氣傷人的話，崩潰，冷戰(zhàn)，或者任何你對(duì)于這些負(fù)面言行做出的習(xí)慣性反應(yīng)。很顯然，這樣又會(huì)導(dǎo)致對(duì)方消極地回應(yīng)你，從而傷了彼此之間的感情。你不開(kāi)心，對(duì)方也不開(kāi)心；這種不歡而散的局面，對(duì)彼此都沒(méi)有好處。

The problem with the ill-intentioned view is that it doesn’t help anybody, and hurt the relationship. Worse yet, it’s self-centered (you’re seeing things from your own point of view) rather than thinking about the other person (whom you care about), both of you, or your relationship together.

心懷惡意這一觀點(diǎn)的問(wèn)題在于：這樣不僅幫不了任何一方，而且還會(huì)損害雙方的關(guān)系。不過(guò)更糟的是，這種觀點(diǎn)是以自我為中心（以自己的角度看待事物），完全沒(méi)有考慮到對(duì)方（你所在乎的人）或者雙方的感受，更別提你們之間的關(guān)系。

 03  Solution: The Good-Hearted View

解決方案：如何心懷善意地看人？

OK, so the self-centered view of seeing the ill-intentions of the other person isn’t ideal (not that any of us are ideal!). So what about the good-hearted view?

好，既然 “對(duì)方肯定心懷惡意” 這樣一個(gè)以自我為中心的觀點(diǎn)并不理想（盡管盡善盡美很難?。?，那么不妨試一下心懷善意的觀點(diǎn)吧！

Well, this approach tries to use empathy, to see the good heart of the other person, to assume that they are good people with decent intentions who make mistakes and are having trouble of some kind.

這種想法試圖讓我們通過(guò)同理心，發(fā)掘?qū)Ψ絻?nèi)心的善意，相信他們本意是好的，本性是好的，只是有時(shí)候會(huì)有煩惱，會(huì)犯錯(cuò)誤。

For example, some reasons someone might act badly:

比如，一個(gè)人行為惡劣的可能原因有：

• They genuinely didn’t realize how you would take their actions — from their perspective, there was nothing wrong with what they did. Your interpretation might be that they are wrong, but that’s only one way of seeing it.

  他們根本沒(méi)意識(shí)到你會(huì)這樣解讀他們的言行 —— 在他們看來(lái)，自己什么都沒(méi)做錯(cuò)。也許你會(huì)認(rèn)為錯(cuò)在對(duì)方，但這只是其中一種看法而已。

• They were caught up in their world, and weren’t thinking of how their words or actions might affect other people. This, of course, is self-centered, but we all do this, probably every day.

  他們沉浸在自己的世界里，忽視了自己的言行可能對(duì)他人造成的影響。這一點(diǎn)毫無(wú)疑問(wèn)是以自我為中心，但是我們很可能每天都會(huì)這樣做。

• They are having a bad day, are in a bad mood, or are in the middle of a tough problem in their life. This causes them to react badly to you. This is not an excuse for bad behavior, but you can understand this, as we all go through it.

  他們這一天過(guò)得不順，心情不好，或者正處于人生中的一個(gè)艱難的階段，而這一切導(dǎo)致了他們遷怒于你。雖然這不能成為他們出言不遜蠻橫無(wú)理的借口，但畢竟我們生活中也都遇到過(guò)困難，所以還是可以理解的。

• They have a bad habit of reacting to people in certain harmful ways. This doesn’t mean they have a bad heart, but instead, they developed bad patterns when they were young. At one point, these patterns were meant to protect them from harm, but now they just harm others.

  他們習(xí)慣了用惡言惡語(yǔ)來(lái)解決問(wèn)題。他們不是心腸壞，而是可能從小就養(yǎng)成了不好的思維定式。他們?cè)源藖?lái)武裝并保護(hù)自己，但如今他們這樣反而傷了別人。

• They were abused by someone, or hurt in the past, and now they are worried that you are going to harm them. So they protect themselves. Not an excuse, but more of a way to understand people’s behavior.

  他們?cè)谶^(guò)去曾被虐待過(guò)，或者被傷害過(guò)，以至于現(xiàn)在擔(dān)心你也會(huì)傷害他們，于是把自己保護(hù)了起來(lái)。這樣的詮釋不是為他們開(kāi)脫，而是呈現(xiàn)另一種解讀他人行為的視角。

• You did something that they took offense to, and so they’re reacting badly to something you did. Maybe you didn’t realize you did this, but that’s the world they’re in.

  你做的某些事得罪了他們，把人家惹毛了。也許你自己沒(méi)覺(jué)得有什么大不了的，但對(duì)方看來(lái)并不是這樣。

• They genuinely were trying to do something to help you, but you took it the wrong way.

  他們只是想幫你，但你卻誤解了。

None of the above excuses bad behavior. It’s wrong to be rude, to yell, to be violent. But to act badly is human, and to judge everyone for their bad behavior means we won’t be friends with anyone. Ourselves included, because if we’re honest, we have to admit that we act badly sometimes too.

以上這些都不能作為惡性言行的借口。舉止粗野，大聲吆喝，暴力相向都是不對(duì)的。但人性就是如此；如果因?yàn)閷?duì)方一個(gè)不可理喻的行徑而對(duì)其人品全盤否定，那么將意味著我們無(wú)法和任何人成為朋友，包括我們自身，因?yàn)樘拱渍f(shuō)，我們都必須承認(rèn)自己有時(shí)也會(huì)冒犯別人。

We’re not looking for excuses, but instead to see the good heart in the other person. Yes, they acted badly, but it’s with a good heart. If we can see this, perhaps we can see the other person in a more kind light, and react to them in a more helpful way.

我們需要做的不是刻意找借口，而是去發(fā)現(xiàn)并感受對(duì)方心中的善意。也許他們的行為確實(shí)有失妥當(dāng)，但其實(shí)心是好的。如果我們能看到這一點(diǎn)，也許就能以更寬容的眼光看待他們，并以更有益的方式去回應(yīng)。

Some ways we can react, now that we see them in a good-hearted light:

那么，既然看到了他們的 “心懷善意”，我們可以采取以下這些回應(yīng)的方式：

① We can try to understand them, maybe even talk to them about what’s going on. People often like to be heard and understood. Make them feel like what they’re doing is understandable.

① 我們可以試著了解他們，可能的話，還可以去關(guān)心他們生活中發(fā)生的事。通常情況下，我們都會(huì)希望有人傾聽(tīng)我們，理解我們，所以你要讓他們意識(shí)到自己的行為是可以理解的。

② From this place, we might also share how their actions affected us, without blaming, accusing or guilt-tripping. Instead, it’s from a place of wanting to resolve the conflict.

② 在了解了對(duì)方之后，我們可以告訴對(duì)方，他們的所言所行是如何影響了我們。千萬(wàn)不要指責(zé)對(duì)方，也不要故意說(shuō)一些讓對(duì)方感到內(nèi)疚的話；相反，我們應(yīng)該以排患解紛為出發(fā)點(diǎn)。

③ We might give them compassion for the difficulty they’re going through. Maybe a hug, or the appropriate equivalent — just a “hug attitude,” where we’re trying to commiserate with them and make them feel better somehow.

③ 我們可以同情對(duì)方所正在經(jīng)歷的艱難困苦。我們可以擁抱對(duì)方，或是用其他類似并恰當(dāng)?shù)男问絹?lái)表達(dá)同情 —— 換句話說(shuō)，我們要用個(gè) “擁抱的態(tài)度”，去感受他們的感受，讓他們能覺(jué)得好一點(diǎn)。

④ Or we might just feel the compassion inside, and not let ourselves get caught up in resentful or frustrated emotions, and instead, just leave the other person alone until they feel better, if that’s more appropriate.

④ 我們也可以在心里感受同情，不讓自己被怨恨或挫敗的情緒主導(dǎo)。有必要的話，就讓對(duì)方獨(dú)自冷靜下來(lái)平復(fù)狀態(tài)。

⑤ If the other person is genuinely harmful, you might need to get away from them (for your own protection), but with compassion you might not be so angry at them.

⑤ 假如對(duì)方實(shí)在充滿敵意，你可能要為了保護(hù)自己而遠(yuǎn)離他們。就算如此，你也要保持一顆同情心，不去計(jì)較得失，也許這樣就能讓你消消怒氣。

These are just a few options, but you can see that these actions are much more helpful for the relationship, for the other person, and for our own happiness.

這些只是一些可供選擇的應(yīng)對(duì)方法，但相信你已經(jīng)可以看到這些舉動(dòng)不僅對(duì)人際關(guān)系起到了促進(jìn)的作用，也大大提升了他人以及我們自身在人際交往中獲得的幸福感。

You might say, “Well, isn’t this just rewarding or excusing their bad behavior?” That’s one way to see it, but I believe it’s more about not getting caught up in our own self-centered view, and not engaging in unhelpful and harmful patterns of thought. With the good-hearted view, we are more understanding, more compassionate, more likely to be happy and have good relationships.

你可能會(huì)說(shuō)：“這不就是在為他們犯的錯(cuò)誤辯解甚至助紂為虐嗎？” 這確實(shí)是看待問(wèn)題的一個(gè)角度，但我的切入點(diǎn)是要走出以自我為中心的世界觀，不要沉溺于負(fù)面思考的惡性循環(huán)。只要相信他人心中有善，我們自己也會(huì)變得更加善解人意，充滿同情心，生活得更開(kāi)心，而我們與別人的關(guān)系就會(huì)變得更好。

The next time you feel difficulty with someone, try the good-hearted view. You just might find some happiness in a difficult situation.

下一次，當(dāng)你在處理人際關(guān)系時(shí)感到頭疼，你就要試著去找尋對(duì)方內(nèi)心的芬芳。愿幸福之花在逆境中為你綻放。

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