11年10月7日上午 9:06分發(fā)表
Fifty years ago parents wrung their hands wondering what to do with their daughter who was 'going steady' with her high school sweetheart. Back then, parents encouraged their daughters to see many boys, correctly believing that this would provide experience with a wide array of relationship styles, promoting better choices of a life mate. Behind that rationale, however, lurked a hopeful belief that seeing many casual suitors would keep their daughters chaste. The practical goal of society's dating strategy was to get Susie to the altar, if not as a virgin then at least not as a mother-to-be.
五十年前，父母們邊攥著手邊琢磨，在自己女兒和高中男友“關(guān)系漸漸穩(wěn)定”時，做些什么來對付她。那時，父母鼓勵女兒和很多男生約會，正確地相信這能為不同風(fēng)格的交往關(guān)系提供些經(jīng)驗，推動選擇更合適的終身伴侶。然而，這個理論背后卻藏著一個充滿希望的信念，和多名隨機的適合人士約會能讓女兒保持操守。那個年代的約會策略負(fù)載的實際目標(biāo)，會讓蘇茜步入婚姻殿堂，即使不是處女，至少也不會懷有身孕。
The '60s sexual revolution, and the widespread availability of the birth control pill, changed all that. Now that girls could say 'yes' as well as 'no' to sex without the threat of unintended and often unwanted pregnancies, parents squirmed realizing their little princesses could be experimenting sexually with several boyfriends, none of whom she may marry. The face of dating changed.
60年代的性解放和避孕藥的廣泛可及性改變了這一切。既然女生不用擔(dān)心計劃外和通常來講不想要的懷孕危險，她們就能對性行為說“行”，也能說“不行”了，父母們意識到自己的小公主可能會和幾個她不嫁的男朋友發(fā)生性行為，心里不是個滋味。約會的目的也就變了。
Today, parents are relieved if their daughters hook up with only one partner. In the effort to keep our girls safe, we settle for fidelity if not virginity. Sadly, the double standard still informs our decisions about sex and dating -- boys get a free pass (if not a wink and a nudge) about early sexual activity while girls juggle labels of 'slut' (those who put out) and 'bitch' (those who do not). Saddest perhaps is the trend for very young girls to provide sexual favours (usually oral sex) for multiple boys while receiving little or no sexual pleasure themselves.
今天，如果自己的女兒只和一個伴侶交往，父母們就會覺得寬慰。為努力使女孩們安全，我們勉強認(rèn)可了忠誠度而不是貞潔。讓人難過的是，這個雙重標(biāo)準(zhǔn)仍然影響著我們在性和約會方面所做的決定--男生可以自由開展早期的性行為（如果不是使個眼神或輕輕推下），而女生卻是要對“蕩婦”的標(biāo)簽?；樱ㄓ辛诵孕袨榈模?qū)Α版蛔印边@樣的標(biāo)簽使花招（沒有性行為的）。最為難過的恐怕要數(shù)這樣一種趨勢：年紀(jì)輕輕的女生給多名男生帶來性快感（通常以口交的方式），而自己卻只能享受很少的性快感，甚至一點都享受不到。
Dating seems to have disappeared from our cultural landscape. People now define as single or partnered/married. Rarely do we hear that someone is playing the field or dating several people. The sex-negative message from half a century ago trumpets a different answer to the question of mate acquisition, but it is no less damaging. We hear routinely of new couples assuming sexual exclusivity after they have had sex but before they know much else about each other -- an 'all your eggs in one basket' approach. Not surprisingly, most of those couples emerge some months later disillusioned and believing they will find true love in another lover, not in another system.
約會貌似從我們的文化視野里消失?，F(xiàn)在人們分為單身或有伴侶或是已婚。我們很少聽到有人三心二意或同時和幾個人約會。半個世紀(jì)前，反對性行為的訊息在謀求伴侶方面宣揚了一個不同的答案，但它的危害也不少。我們常聽說新婚夫婦有過性行為后，覺得不會和其他人發(fā)生性行為，但他們在其他方面相互還不怎么了解--這是一種“把蛋放在同一個籃子里”的做法。這類夫妻大多數(shù)在幾個月之后就會幻想破滅，相信自己會在另外一個愛人身上找到真愛，而不是從另外一個體系里，這并不奇怪。
The opposite of single is married, not dating. Dating and marriage should feel different from each other. Why are we so quick to abandon the freedom of choice dating offers, replacing it instead with lightning-quick courtships and instant sexual exclusivity? Do we still believe that sex is so potent, so dangerous, that we dare not play with it? Haven't we grown beyond the 'kisses are contracts' stage? Have we been so silenced about negotiation and communication that we settle for any relationship that affords us sexual gratification? Moreover, if that is true, how much talking could be going on within that relationship regarding how sex can best be expressed and enjoyed?
單身的反義詞是已婚，而不是約會。每個人對約會和結(jié)婚的看法都不同。為什么我們這么快就放棄追逐約會的自由，而以閃電般的求婚和急切的排他性行為取而代之？我們?nèi)匀幌嘈判孕袨樾Яμ珡?、太危險而不敢捉弄它嗎？我們難道不是在不相信“親吻就是合約”的環(huán)境中長大的？在認(rèn)可能給自己帶來性滿意度的兩性關(guān)系方面，我們難道不是一直對這類探討和交流保持著沉默？此外，如果這種情況屬實，這種的兩性關(guān)系中，在性怎么才能最好表達(dá)出來也被享受到方面，這類話題到底能被談?wù)摱嗌倌兀?b style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%" class="label bg2" jquery1318392946515="29">
Surely we can do better if we define dating as an enjoyable process in which we learn about potential partners by trying them on for a good fit. We need not limit ourselves to exclusivity with each one to whom we are sexually attracted. We are willing to shop endlessly for a new car or home, yet couple far too quickly once we establish a sexual liaison. Responsible, compassionate sex should be an adjunct to the process of coupling, not the prime reason for doing so.
如果我們把約會當(dāng)成一種享受，約會過程中我們接觸潛在的伴侶，來了解是否合適。我們沒有必要把自己鎖定在由性而互相吸引的對象上。我們買一輛新車或是一所新住所時，樂于無休止地選購，然而，我們一旦有了性行為，結(jié)成伴侶的速度就太快了。負(fù)責(zé)任的、有共鳴的性行為應(yīng)當(dāng)成為伴侶結(jié)合過程中的附屬物，而不是主要原因。
There is an old saying: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince (or princess)." How much happier we would be if we used sex as but one of the many criteria upon which we base our coupling decisions.
俗語道：“碰到英俊的王子（或漂亮的公主）前，人們得先親吻許多的青蛙?！蔽覀?nèi)裟馨研躁P(guān)系視為選擇伴侶的眾多條件之一，我們過的會幸福得多吧。
