How to Make Up Your Mind to Succeed
Mind-set is key to finding success for yourself and your children
Well-intentionedparents have unwittingly left their kids defenseless against failure.The current generation of millennials (born between 1980 and 2001) grewup playing sports where scores and performance were downplayed because"everyone's a winner." And their report cards had more positive spinthan an AIG press release. As a result, Stanford University psychologistCarol Dweck, PhD, calls them the "overpraised generation." Fortunately,once you understand the situation, there's some quick corrective actionthat can be taken. And even if you're well past your child-rearingyears, her advice will help you better withstand setbacks.
Dweckhas been studying how people handle failure for 40 years. Her researchhas led her to identify two distinct mind-sets that dramaticallyinfluence how we react to it. Here's how they work:
A fixedmind-set is grounded in the belief that talent is genetic--you're a bornartist, point guard, or numbers person. The fixed mind-set believesit's entitled to success without much effort and regards failure as apersonal affront. When things get tough, it's quick to blame, withdraw,lie, and even avoid future challenge or risk.
Conversely, agrowth mind-set assumes that no talent is entirely heaven-sent and thateffort and learning make everything possible. Because the ego isn't onthe line as much, the growth mind-set sees failure as opportunity ratherthan insult. When challenged, it's quick to reassess, adjust, and tryagain. In fact, it relishes this process.
We are all born withgrowth mind-sets. (Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to survive in theworld.) But parents, coaches, and teachers often push us into fixedmind-sets by rewarding certain behaviors and misdirecting praise.Dweck's book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and online instructional program,
brainology.us,explain this in depth. But she says there are many little things youcan start doing today to guarantee that your kids, grandkids, and evenyou never get derailed by failure.
FOR KIDS
In school
Nevercompliment a child by saying "You're so smart" or "You picked that upso quickly." Instead, praise effort or strategy by saying "That wasclever of you to take that approach" or "I'm proud of your persistence."Listen for similar remarks from teachers and correct them.
In sports
Insteadof "You're a natural," say "Practice is really making you better."Instead of inquiring "Did you win?" ask "Did you give your best effort?"Explains Dweck, "Talent isn't passed down in the genes; it's passeddown in the mind-set."
At the dinner table
Insteadof the standard "How was your day?" (which everyone dreads anyway), ask"What did you learn today?" or "What mistakes did you make that taughtyou something?" Describe with zeal something you're struggling with."Instill a passion for learning," says Dweck.
In making plans for the future
Don't just ask about goals; ask about the plan for reaching those goals.
In frustration
Don'tpermit children to refer to themselves as losers, failures, stupid, orclumsy. "Never let failure progress from an action to an identity," saysDweck. Likewise, don't label your kids. Don't say this one is theartist, and this one is the computer geek. Anyone can be anything.
In doubt
Ifyou encounter skepticism, ask the child to think of areas in which sheonce had low ability and now excels, or to recall a time when she sawsomeone learn something or improve in ways not thought possible.
FOR YOU
At work
Insteadof letting salary, benefits, and status define job satisfaction, askyourself if you're still learning. If the answer is yes, then you'refortunate to have a job that encourages a growth mind-set. View itschallenges as opportunities rather than stress. If you've stoppedlearning, then consider looking either for new avenues of growth or foranother job.
In relationships
Blamenever resolves anything. It's merely the fixed mind-set insisting thatyou're right. The next time you're tempted to blame, says Dweck,remember that "the whole point of marriage is to encourage each other'sdevelopment."
When feeling down
Peoplewho are depressed tend to believe that's just the way they are. Insteadof viewing yourself as a failed end product, think of yourself as atemporarily derailed work in progress. "We usually think of personalityas something very stable," says Dweck, "but we're finding that even coreparts of it can be changed by shifting mind-sets."
