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You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead."
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other
person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren‘t you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am,I
married the wrong man!"
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn‘t notice."
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A lady inserted an ‘a(chǎn)d‘ in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don‘t know son, I‘m
still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn‘t know
his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country,son.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
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During a heated spat over finances the husband said,"Well, if you‘d learn to
cook and were willing to clean this place,
we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well,if
you‘d learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

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How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry
done for free.
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The most effective way to remember your wife‘s birthday is to forget it
once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful