真愛可以有好多個，但是陪伴走到最后共度一生的只有一個，或者說，在某個特定階段只能有一個。
真愛易尋？
譯者：劉 蕊
校對：倪凌暉
策劃：劉 璠
How many break-ups does it take to find ‘the One’?
分手多少次才能找到真愛？
本文選自 The Guardian | 取經(jīng)號原創(chuàng)翻譯
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Recently, a friend of mine crumpled in on herself over what I thought was a fairly normal lunch. “I need to stop breaking up with people,” she said into her vegetarian chilli. “I’m too picky, I need to settle or I’ll just end up alone like Cruella de Vil.”
最近我和一位朋友享用了一份在我看來極為普通的午餐，飯桌上她一蹶不振。“我不能再分手了，”她對著素食里的辣椒說道：“我太挑三揀四了，還是要安定下來，要不然就會像庫伊拉·德·維爾（Cruella de Vil）那樣孤獨終老了?！?/span>
（譯者注：迪士尼1961年經(jīng)典動畫片《101忠狗》的反派角色）
It’s not the greatest example to use, because Cruella has a husband, great clothes and admirable drive – but that aside, my friend is typical of so many women I speak to. Strong, independent, excellent women who struggle because they’ve been fed this idea that we were supposed to meet our significant other as teenagers, grow up, get married and never so much have looked at another person.
庫伊拉·德·維爾或許并不是最合適的例子，畢竟她已婚，還有豪車美服。但她卻是我所有女性朋友中非常具有代表性的一位。她們堅強、獨立、優(yōu)秀卻常常痛苦不已，因為她們被灌輸了這樣一種觀念：我們應(yīng)該在年少時遇見那個他，青梅竹馬地長大，再步入婚姻的殿堂，從此“他人是路人”。
My boyfriend is a good 10 years older than me, and I’ve struggled a lot with his relationship history, considering that it includes an engagement and a lot of really exciting sounding holidays (but mainly the engagement) – because it doesn’t fit the narrative I’ve been fed. The narrative that my parents had. They met at 14 and that was, it seems, that. And not in a boring way either; they’re best friends, do everything together, and are single-handedly fuelling this myth that we are all floating around looking for the One when, the fact is, there are probably lots of Ones.
我男朋友比我大十幾歲，對于他的情史我也是糾結(jié)了很久。他經(jīng)歷過一次訂婚和許多聽上去就很有趣的度假（但我糾結(jié)的主要還是訂婚）。我之所以會有這樣的情緒，是因為這和我被灌輸?shù)膶橐龊蛺矍榈恼J(rèn)識并不一樣。我所認(rèn)識的婚姻和愛情是像我父母那樣的。他們14歲相遇，沒錯，就是這么年輕就相遇了，但其中的故事還挺有趣的。他們是彼此最好的朋友，什么事情都一起做。他們強化了我對愛情的一種誤解：我們在塵世中浮浮沉沉只為追尋那一生一世一雙人的愛情。但事實或許卻是“一生一世幾雙人”。
This is backed up by a recent poll for the Guardian and TSB by Ipsos Mori, which showed that the average Brit will have had three long-term romantic relationships in their lifetime, instigating 2.29 break-ups themselves. If you vehemently refuse to let go of the romance, you could see this as people taking quite a few goes to get to the One. But it’s more likely that there are Ones for different stages in our lives, and one One wouldn’t necessarily still be a One even if it had worked out, because context is just as important in relationships as fancying the pants off them.
MORI市場研究公司（Ipsos Mori）為衛(wèi)報（Guardian）和勞埃德TSB集團(tuán)（TSB）近期展開的民調(diào)證實了這一點。民調(diào)顯示，英國人一生中平均會經(jīng)歷時間較長且穩(wěn)定的戀情3次，經(jīng)歷過2.29次分手。如果你對“一生一世一雙人”的這種愛情非常執(zhí)著的話，那你會認(rèn)為人們經(jīng)歷不同的戀情只是為了最終能找到命中注定的那個TA。但真相可能是，在不同的人生階段，我們的真命天子也會不同。就算你遇到了你認(rèn)為的真命天子，也并不代表世界上不會有其他真命天子存在，因為在感情的世界里，外界因素和赤裸的欲望同樣重要。
vehement /'vi??m?nt,ˋvi?m?nt/ showing very strong feelings or opinions 感情強烈的；觀點激烈的
In simpler terms, we often have to forsake the One to get a better One, and it will take nearly three break-ups to get there. Perhaps that’s because we change as we move through life. It makes sense that the person we were besotted with at 18 years old might not suit us when we’re in our 30s, after two career changes, two geographical overhauls and a new fringe.
簡單來說，我們通常需要放棄一段戀情，才能尋找到更好的TA——大概經(jīng)歷三次分手，你才會找到那個真命天子?；蛟S是因為人生走著走著，我們自己就變了。18歲時自己曾神魂顛倒的那個人，在換了兩份工作，搬了兩次家，換了一個新劉海后，對于已邁入30歲的我們來說也許不再合適。
I like to think that my boyfriend and I would have been together, had we been a similar age, whatever had happened, but that’s the fairytale narrative talking. We both met at a specific time, when we were single and needing specific things. As well as this, he has been fully in love with someone else. I have been fully in love with someone else. We might, in the future, fall in love with other people. And this isn’t as negative, or upsetting, as it sounds, because surely it’s better than flogging a dead relationship horse?
我常常想，男朋友和我若是年齡相仿，那么當(dāng)初無論發(fā)生什么，我倆都不會分開，可這也只是癡人說夢話罷了。我們在特定的時間相遇，當(dāng)時的我們都是單身，需要特定的東西。除此之外，他現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)愛上了別人，而我也有了自己的心儀對象。未來我們或許還會愛上他人。這聽起來令人消極沮喪，但事實恰恰相反，畢竟還有什么比吊死在一棵樹上更糟糕的呢？
I told my friend – the instigator of so many break-ups (four) – a quote I came across after a fairly gruelling break-up of my own: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship”. I repeat this to everyone I meet. We’re often frightened of being single because of this fantasy that the One exists, and what if the person we are with is the One, even though it doesn’t feel right? We will ignore red flags. We will forgive too much. We will pretend everything is fine just because it all seems fine, and ignore everything that doesn’t fit that easy, comforting box. Worse, we will see the relationship as perfect, and blame ourselves when it falls apart, forgetting that it always takes two people for a situation to crumble. It takes two to lose communication, two to lose intimacy. And, most importantly, a relationship that has ended, for whatever reason, was a relationship that you’re better out of.
在經(jīng)歷了一次激烈的分手之后，我突然意識到：與其在糟糕的戀情當(dāng)中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身。我將這份感慨與我的朋友分享——她經(jīng)歷過四次分手，也與我遇見的每個人分享。我們心存著對真命天子的幻想，于是對單身滿懷恐懼。萬一和我們在一起的那個人就是我們的真命天子，但感覺不怎么對，怎么辦？我們會忽略各種示意感情危機的信號，屢屢選擇原諒。我們會假裝一切都如看起來那般美好，忽略那些我們不想看到的事物。更糟糕的是，我們會將這段感情視作完美，任何問題出現(xiàn)都只會責(zé)怪自己，而忘了“一個巴掌是拍不響的”。從無所不談到相對無言，從親密無間到視同路人，雙方都是有責(zé)任的。最重要的是，一段戀情無論出于什么原因而結(jié)束，你都不應(yīng)再深陷其中。
We want the One so much that we will stay in situations long past their sell-by-date, and shame ourselves for acting like logical, rational people when we do initiate the beginning of the end. My friend recently ended a six-month relationship that didn’t feel right. Just like she would move on from a job or switch banks if it wasn’t working out. Relationships are more emotional, unless you really love banks, but it’s the same principle, and we need to stop feeling guilty, or that we’ve failed somehow. We don’t feel bad for leaving three jobs in our lifetime – if anything it shows focus and drive – so why should relationships be any different?
我們對真命天子的渴望太過強烈了，以至于即使戀情早已變質(zhì)，我們?nèi)赃t遲不愿走出，并且對提出分手時那個理性冷靜的自己感到羞恥。我朋友剛剛結(jié)束了一段長達(dá)6個月卻不怎么合適的戀情，就像工作不合適換工作或是銀行不合適換銀行那樣。相較之下，感情這件事更加情緒化，除非你真的很愛這個銀行。但道理都是相通的，我們不應(yīng)該感到羞恥，也不應(yīng)該覺得自己很失敗。一生換三份工作我們覺得沒什么——反而顯示出了你的專注與努力——那結(jié)束戀情展開新的生活又有什么不一樣呢？
It’s so much easier to sound wise when you’ve made the mistakes yourself. I was in a bad relationship. There was cheating, lying, hot rage outside a noodle cafe down the road and, worse, a quiet disconnect I couldn’t verbalise that had crept into the spaces between the fights. Once I knew this, I promptly stayed with him for four years. Why? Because, along with the narrative of the One, we’re also told that relationships are up and down, that staying with someone is hard, and that sometimes you have to compromise.
只有當(dāng)你親自犯過錯時，你說出來的話才會聽起來特別有說服力。我曾經(jīng)歷過一段糟糕的戀情。這段戀情里有背叛，有謊言，有街邊面店外的惡語相加，更糟糕的是有每次爭吵后形同陌路般的冷戰(zhàn)。這我都知道，但我還是和他待了四年。你問我為什么？因為除了“真命天子”的理論，我們也常被告知任何戀情都會磕磕盼盼，相處不易，有時候要做出妥協(xié)。
verbalise /'v??b?la?z,ˋv?b??a?z/ to express something in words 用言語［文字］表達(dá)
Ending that relationship remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because, say it with me: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship.” I met someone afterwards who helped me understand that relationships don’t have to be as difficult as I’d thought, and that compromise feels very different to constant, unnoticed sacrifice. I might change, he might change, we might not work out – but, on the other hand, who knows? One thing I am certain of is that now I will have the strength to leave, if it comes to that. As we all should.
結(jié)束那段戀情是我人生中做過的最棒的決定，因為，來，跟我念一遍：“與其在糟糕的戀情當(dāng)中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身?！敝笪矣鲆娏四橙耍屛颐靼赘星椴⒉蝗缥宜氲哪菢永щy重重，妥協(xié)也不等于一而再再而三地默默犧牲。我或許會有所改變，他也是，我們或許最后還是以分手告終——但再說了，誰又知道以后的事呢？可以確定的是，現(xiàn)在的我有了該放手時就放手的勇氣。我們都應(yīng)如此。
So, stop looking back on your break-ups as failures, and the people who didn’t work out as lost opportunities. You need to end things to move on and find the best person for you right now – not 10 years ago. And don’t feel bad if you find yourself single again, as hard as it sometimes feels. Because once you’ve had that much-needed cry, you can hold on to the fact that – yep, I’m saying it one last time – it’s better to be single, than in the wrong relationship. Screenshot it. Put it as your phone lock screen. Tile your bathroom with it. Just make sure you never forget it.
所以不要再將分手視作失敗了，也不要再將不合適的人視作指縫間溜走的機會而感到惋惜了。你要開始新的生活，尋找當(dāng)下最合適你的那個人，而不是適合10年前的你的那個人。即使重回單身，雖然有時候確實很難過，但也不要沮喪， 一旦你難受到想要放聲大哭，你也可以好好想想——是的，這是我最后一次說了——與其在糟糕的戀情當(dāng)中飽受折磨，倒不如保持單身。把這句話截屏下來，設(shè)為鎖屏屏保，或是貼在浴室的墻壁上，確保自己不會忘記。
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