原作者：
來源A letter to … A, whom I met on the internet | Life and style | The Guardian
譯者freedomcat
I may never send this because I’m not really into dramaor revenge. Or maybe I’ll send it as a sort of belated thank-you letter,for I still feel grateful to you for seven years of support, friendshipand company, and what I thought was love. Do you think of me sometimes?I have thought of you, and I have tried to recapture some of thehappiness by looking you up on the dating website and rereading yourprofile. You have not logged in for three years – indeed, I did thinkyou had stopped your membership after we had known each other for a fewmonths. I did – but it turns out that you went on paying yoursubscription.
我從沒有寫過這樣的信給你，因為我并不想演戲或者復仇。這封信也許只是我發(fā)給你的一封遲到的感謝信，我至今都感謝那七年中你對我的幫助、友情、陪伴還有我一廂情愿的愛情。你有時會想起我嗎？而我想你，我曾經(jīng)登入約會網(wǎng)站上找到你，再一次瀏覽你的個人信息，以此試著來重溫過去的快樂。我曾經(jīng)認為，你已經(jīng)整整三年沒有登入這網(wǎng)站了，就像我做的一樣——在我們相識幾個月后，我注銷了用戶。而我現(xiàn)在發(fā)現(xiàn)，你仍然在續(xù)費。
You haven’t changed the photo. An earnest expression,balding but with some beautiful white hair, thin lips, a sharp chin,glasses … I remember thinking you were not handsome enough for me.
你仍沒有換頭像，圖片中的你仍然是一副認真的表情，禿頂，只剩下少許的漂亮的白發(fā)，薄薄的嘴唇，尖尖的下巴，戴著一副眼鏡，我記得那時我認為，你對我而言還不夠帥。
Yet when we met, I wanted you immediately. I think weboth felt that way – it was what they call chemistry. I could hardly sitstill in the restaurant, and when we parted that day, we just smiled ateach other and you said: “Now what shall we do?” I almost said, “Don’tgo”, but I tried to be demure and said: “Let’s meet next week.” When yougot home, you sent a lovely email – I still have it.
但當我們見面，我突然發(fā)現(xiàn)，我需要你。我那時認為你也如此，就像人們常說的那個被稱為愛情的化學反應。我坐在在餐廳中，一直惴惴不安，而當我們在那天分開時，我們只是互相微笑，你說：“現(xiàn)在我們?nèi)プ鍪裁?？”我?guī)缀跻f:”不要走”，但最終我還是努力保持矜持，說：“下周再見。”你到家后發(fā)給我的那封有趣的電郵，我至今仍留著。
Over those seven years, you gave me such a lot. Youtaught me to dance. You persuaded me to visit places that I had neverdreamed of seeing and, best of all, you let me cook with you and gardenwith you and sit in front of the television with your cat. When I wasresting on the sofa you would sometimes stroke my hair as you walkedpast.
在我們相處的七年間，你為我付出了那么多。你教我跳舞。你說服我去旅行，看到那些超出我想象的風景。而其中最美妙的時光是我和你一起烹飪做飯，一起做園藝還有我和你的貓咪一起看電視。當我在沙發(fā)上休息時，你有時走過我身邊時，會撫摸我的頭發(fā)。
When we met, you warned me of your wanderlust. Longjourneys to inhospitable parts of the world. You were happy travellingalone and, anyway, I was not free to accompany you. When you were away,we wrote or phoned daily and I enjoyed your trips at secondhand. Youcame with me when I paid duty visits to elderly neighbours andrelatives. You accompanied me to hospital appointments. When my motherdied, you helped with the arrangements and emptying her flat, and youheld me close when I cried.
曾經(jīng)我們約會時，你提醒我，你是一個旅行者。你常常會去長途旅行，到世界上偏遠的角落中去。你喜歡獨自一人旅行，而我也不能自由地去陪伴你。當你離開去旅行，我們每天寫信，通電話。通過這種間接的方式，我也享受著你的旅途。你陪伴我去例行拜訪那些年老的鄰居和親戚，也陪同我去赴醫(yī)院的預約。當我母親去世時，你幫我整理和清空母親的公寓。在我哭的時候，你緊緊地抱住我。
I had never had this, and the day you told me it was overI wished I were dead. A cliche, I know, and until then I had notgrasped what that feels like. As the years have passed I have tried topiece it all together. You said you loved me, but not enough. I havetold myself that I very nearly gained the love of a truly kind andhonourable man and had known seven years of happiness.
我從未想到，你會對我說我們之間結(jié)束了，那時我覺得我就像死了一樣。說句廢話，我知道，直到那時，我都沒有弄清為什么會這樣。多年過去了，我試著把所有的線索聯(lián)系到一起。你曾經(jīng)說過，你愛我，但愛地不深。我曾告訴我自己，我?guī)缀蹙鸵@得一份真愛，得到一個不錯的男人，還度過了七年快樂的時光。
So reading your profile again on the website, I noticedwith surprise that it had been modified in 2004 – three years into ourtime together. You had logged in and written: “I’m on my travels atpresent, but don’t let that put you off. I’ll be back in May so if youare interested, do please get in touch.”
所以在閱讀網(wǎng)站上你的的個人資料時，我驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)資料在2004年被改過，那時我們已經(jīng)在一起三年了。你那時登入網(wǎng)站，寫下：“我現(xiàn)在正在旅行，不要讓旅行使我們失去聯(lián)系。我將在5月回來，所以如果你感興趣的話，請和我聯(lián)系?！?/p>
Of course I don’t know whether any new woman did get intouch. But now I know that, even then, you were looking for someoneelse. For another four years you continued to be kind to me – but mymemory of those years, as it turns out, is a false memory. Were youcynically staying with me till you found someone better? Or were yousecretly struggling with yourself – not wanting to hurt me, waiting tillyou had supported me through some of the painful times I faced in thoseyears?
當然我那時不知道你和別的女人有了聯(lián)系。當然我現(xiàn)在知道，早在那時，你就在尋找其他的女人。在剩下的四年里，你對我依然很好，但是那些年的記憶現(xiàn)在看來只是虛情假意。在找到一個更好的女的之前，難道你和我在一起時只是裝模作樣？或者你在私下里自我掙扎，為了不想傷害我，直到你幫我度過了在那些年幾次痛苦的經(jīng)歷？
What have I learned from all this? Not a lot. The past isnot always what we think it is. But perhaps it is better not to knowthat.
我從這一切中學到了什么？有一些：過去不一定是我們曾認為的那樣，但或許我們還是不知道的好。
One last thing. That huge vase you brought back from India for me. It is in the charity shop window now.
最后，你曾從印度給我?guī)Щ亓艘粋€花瓶，那花瓶現(xiàn)在放在慈善店的櫥柜里。
I wish you well, B
我希望你一切都好。
來源:譯言
